“Pirates” holds sway over audiences, if not critics

Pirates of the Caribbean (2006)
Walt Disney Pictures presents a Gore Verbinski film, starring Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. Written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio. 150m. PG-13 for intense sequences of adventure violence, including frightening images.

2.5 stars

Oh woe, is the homogenized composition of modern cinema, where a sequel to a movie inspired by a theme park attraction now demarcates the box office’s utmost threshold.

There exists now a deafening discourse about “critic-proof” movies, usually defined by their staggering budgets and the incessant droning of their pre-engineered hype. I hold little pretense about my capacity to help you decide what few films are worthy of both your time and money. But any critic could feel despondent after the public declared “Dead Man’s Chest” to be this summer’s first legitimate “can’t miss” movie.

The entire film is a celebration of artifice, the holy grail of style over substance. Actors are buried under mounds of makeup, prosthetics and computer-generated add-ons. Its tortuous plot begs to be disregarded for its often inane maneuvering.

In fact, “Dead Man’s Chest” likely borrows its core philosophy from its rollercoaster origins: This 150-minute action extravaganza is hell-bent on providing an unrelenting experience. There is nary a minute that passes in “Dead Man’s Chest” without a frenetic sword skirmish, a rum-fueled fight, or some grossly sensationalized sea strife.

Screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, who also held command over the franchise’s first script, seem complacent to let this stylized, cartoonish violence again navigate the story. But audiences still need even the flimsiest of excuses for Capt. Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to guide the Black Pearl to each increasingly exotic destination.

We’re therefore subjugated by a plot that perpetrates two unforgivable sins: it introduces too many characters, only to kill most of them, and it unnecessarily complicates what should be a straightforward swashbuckler.

The convoluted plot of the first film, “The Curse of the Black Pearl,” is predominately responsible for this sticky wicket. Both heroes of the original installment, the tenacious Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and his cheeky bride-to-be, Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) have returned, only to find themselves arrested on trumped up charges for assisting the pirate Sparrow.

Will is granted a temporary reprieve from incarceration to find an enchanted compass possessed by the saucy captain, only to learn Sparrow is dodging a debt he owes to a cephalopod pirate named Davy Jones (Bill Nighy).

All seemingly permanent alliances fall by the wayside when both the alleged heroes and their villainous counterparts turn their attentions towards a priceless artifact: a chest containing Davy Jones’ heart. I could expound of why Jones voluntarily surrendered a vital organ, but that would require a much longer review. Suffice to say: Whoever controls the heart has dominion over the sea, since Jones also possesses the ability to immediately summon a deadly sea monster.

Jones is the real unmatched beauty of all the computer-concocted elements of “Dead Man’s Chest.” Actor Bill Nighy, who has often been cast for his distinct features, is completely disguised under the special effects. His authoritative swagger can be heard, but his facial features are erased, substituted instead with a bizarre marriage of man and octopus. Jones, who has a beard of tentacles that just screams slimy, also sports two crustacean-esque appendages.

But no one outdoes Depp, whose effeminate, rock star meets pirate, persona is only outshined by his bedazzling accoutrement. While Sparrow may hold sway over an enchanted compass, his own moral compass is permanently on the fritz. This is the screenwriters’ main triumph; they allow Depp the freedom to brew up dozens of zany idioms and expressions.

I go to these “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies to see Depp. Even as I’m force-fed a dozen new characters – and as many plot turns and teasers for the next film that I’m sure is coming – I know the pressure is off. “Pirates” will be grotesquely successful no matter what I say. Man, woman, child and critic: We’re all here for the action. Let’s stay entertained.