How to survive a disaster film

Poseidon (2006)
Warner Bros. presents a Wolfgang Peterson film, starring Josh Lucas and Kurt Russell. Written by Mark Protosevich, from a novel by Paul Gallico. 99m. PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of disaster and peril.

2 stars

Undoubtedly, you are not green to the premise of a disaster movie, which elicits thrills from its audience by placing its potential pool of survivors in dicey circumstances. Screenwriters can intensify our trauma by creating connections between our personal mores and their characters’ ethics. “Poseidon” opts to bypass traditional character progression and fixate on its allotment of peril.

Since the film is only concerned with its dashing heroes cast asunder and its sterile computer-generated sets, I feel compelled to chastise its inherent predictability. With that, I bring you a quick reference guide on how not to perish in a disaster film.

Chapter 1: The bigger the name, the harder to kill.
Formula: Characters are killed one at a time, and usually from smallest payday to largest. See also: “The Core.”

Despite a two-year hiatus from the silver screen, Richard Dreyfuss has made a distinguished career out of a few unforgettable performances. While he may lack the nerdy resolve of Matt Hooper or Roy Neary, gay architect Richard Nelson is still astute enough to know that waiting out a catastrophe equals certain death. The businessman has boarded the Poseidon without his long-time companion, who apparently decided to use the pending New Year to make an early resolution.

More of a supporting actor than a marquee name, Dreyfuss is likely not the film’s feature attraction. With his star on the rise, Josh Lucas lends his “matinee idol meets roughneck” charm to the film’s ensemble cast. His Dylan Johns is Deel Munn (“Undertow”) without the chilling edge, a modern day riverboat gambler who relishes permanent bachelorhood.

But Lucas has yet to build the action resume of Kurt Russell, whose blue-collar tenacity has curried favor with audiences in films like “Tombstone” and “Escape From New York.”

The male triumvirate is buoyed by Emmy Rossum (“Mystic River”) – hardly a stranger to dying early; Jacinda Barrett, a “Real World” castoff who has established a small, but flourishing, film career; and Jimmy Bennet, a child actor perfect to play a pallid ankle biter.

Chapter 2: We care for proficiency or helplessness, but not mere competency.
Formula: The main characters are outfitted with specific skilled needed to survive; secondary characters either get hysterical or calmly wait to die. See also: “The Towering Inferno.”

In a nod to “Backdraft,” Russell’s character is a firefighter, which is a desirable occupation when you’re trying to figure out how to navigate quickly from room to room in an overturned luxury liner.

In a lifetime free of entanglements, Dylan has thrived by taking on adventure by himself. As a gambler, he’s highly attuned to detail, which makes him proficient at upside-down map reading.

Barrett’s Maggie James is likely a nurturing mother, but she invites trouble by being so attached to her young son, Conor. Rossum, who plays Russell’s daughter, Jennifer, is a coquette; instead of helping the cause, she’s recruited her own brawn, boyfriend Christian (Mike Vogel).

Chapter 3: Fall in love; it may save your life. Be a jerk, and you’ll die quicker.
Formula: As in romantic comedies, audiences root for couples. See also: “Deep Impact” for lovers, “Jurassic Park” and “Total Recall” for jerks.

The film establishes five characters in an otherwise tepid scene of poker: the Ramseys and Christian, Dylan and Lucky Larry (Kevin Dillon), whose narcissism trumps his outrageous sense of style. As soon as his sideswipes a waitress’s derriere with a lecherous hand, we know he’ll die violently.

Maggie’s greatest accomplishment may have been attracting the eye of Dylan in a pre-disaster encounter. Jennifer plans a romantic tryst onboard to seal her relationship’s permanency.

Chapter 4: If you’re a minority, you’re chances of survival are in the minority.
Formula: “Brothas always die first.” See also: The “Jurassic Park” franchise, almost every well-known Arnold Schwarzenegger thriller.

Elena Gonzalez (Mía Maestro) yearned for the American dream, and to be reunited with her brother in the United States. She exploited the ship’s unassuming kitchen help, Marco Valentin (Freddy Rodríguez) for her free pass.

Captain Michael Bradford (Andre Braugher) had created a lavish celebration for his elite clientele, complete with a sultry Mexican-American crooner, Gloria (Stacy Ferguson). When the ship was waylaid by a rogue wave, the black commander asked each ship patron to remain calm while he secured the bulkhead doors. Five patrons from the room, all Caucasians, disobeyed his command and sought higher ground; four survived.

I’m conflicted about the film’s sense of urgency with regards to the disaster sequences. I occasionally felt the growing tension when it seemed certain that our protagonists took a long turn. But I felt a far greater pressure for the film merely to roll credits, as I lacked the necessary stake in any character’s eventually well-being.

If the film had extended its run-time to more than two hours and still had characters I couldn’t stand, I’d be even more disappointed in its effort. But as it stands now, it feels largely incomplete.