Scrub this “launch”

Failure to Launch (2006)
Paramount Pictures presents a Tom Dey film, starring Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker. Written by Tom J. Astle and Matt Ember. 97m. PG-13 for sexual content, partial nudity and language.

1 star

“Failure to Launch” has an unmistakable contempt for its audience. Why else would its creators believe we’d enjoy watching two patently dishonest and shallow individuals fall in love with each other?

He’s a boat broker named Tripp (Matthew McConaughey), who is firmly ensconced in his parents’ suburban house. She is Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker), a woman who has made a living out of detaching 30-something men from their lifelong nests.

There’s a better movie in here, about Paula’s unique profession. Who was her first client? That must have been one hell of a Yellow Pages ad.

She’s hired to intervene in Tripp’s life by his parents, Sue (Kathy Bates) and Al (Terry Bradshaw), who claim they’re desperate to detach their son from the inviting umbilical cord they’ve willingly provided.

Reviews of comedic films don’t warrant ceaseless analysis of these characters’ psychological states. So I’ll leave it at this: How can the film ask its audience to feel sympathy for these two retirees when we’re provided several scenes in which they shamelessly dote on their son?

What’s more reprehensible is that they’re complicit participants in his obnoxious plan to dump women by bringing them to the house. If mom made me a full breakfast daily, did my laundry and cleaned up after me and dad helped me excise bad dates, I’m not sure I would have ever left either.

Tripp’s life is woefully misguided, but at least there are hints of pleasure. Paula is essentially joyless before she dates Tripp, doomed to transform one bad personal experience into the foundations for many professional ones. It’s this sort of sadomasochism that draws us instead to Paula’s more dynamic housemate, Kit (Zooey Deschanel). She’s rudderless, but redeemable; her off-beat persona is mistakenly underutilized.

Instead, the film seems fixated on balancing our paint-by-numbers love story with scenes of Tripp demonstrating the “extreme” nature of his life. With buddies Ace (Justin Bartha) and Demo (Bradley Cooper), he goes mountain biking, rock climbing, surfing and paintballing as if to constantly prove testosterone still pumps through his system.

The extreme scenes usually climax with Tripp getting bitten by some sort of animal, ranging from dolphin to chipmunk. The audience howled with laughter at the slapstick approach. But if the point was merely to prove that the animals feared Tripp’s unbalanced nature, then isn’t that sort of silly?

On the other hand, this film would have garnered few other guffaws if not for Trip’s multiple contusions. Trust me. The sight of Terry Bradshaw’s naked rear end in three different shots is not funny; it’s terrifying. You have been warned.

There are some curious, late-arriving, scenes which try to provide sympathy for these reprehensible protagonists. Tripp isn’t afraid of commitment because he’s immature; he’s gun-shy because of an unexpected tragedy. And his mother fears Tripp’s now-imminent departure because she’s insecure about how much her husband still loves her.

There are some intriguing inklings for a very depressing film about pitiful people who mask their pain by existing in a state of arrested development. But the film doesn’t really go here, except when trying to soften their characters’ depravity.

Paula’s protocol, at least as the film’s trailer suggested, was to trick Tripp into falling for her so that she could manipulate him. It had curious similarities to McConaughey’s previous foray into the romantic comedy realm, “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”

The thought of scratching my own eyes out to spare myself the pain coming from the screen did not materialize during this film as it had during “10 Days.” It doesn’t redeem this film’s bottom-line however. It’s a mess.