Stroking the male fantasy

Hitch (2005)
Columbia Pictures presents an Andy Tennant film, starring Will Smith and Kevin James. Written by Kevin Bisch. 115m. PG-13.

2.5 stars

As the oversized, awkward bus driver with repugnant hygiene problems, Chris Farley wasn’t convincing anyone that he and model/actress Bridgette Wilson “got it on” in “Billy Madison.”

Audiences found humor in the scenario because it was asking us to believe a preposterous situation in which models would actually date people that may still live with their mothers.

But who’s laughing now? Audiences, apparently, over the double-standard world created for “Hitch” that reeks of a male’s touch. Screenwriter Kevin Bisch is leading the charge, assuaging fragile male egos by assuring us that we, the normal schlub, are innately desirable to those with immense beauty, power and wealth.

The reason why Lyle Lovetts don’t always date Julia Roberts, Bisch would claim, is because females all too often reject men early based on their looks. But, he says in the same breath, if we desire women based on the same shallow reasons, that’s perfectly acceptable.

This mentality lays napalm on a sometime uproarious rom-com, featuring Will Smith as a quasi-underground “date doctor” named Alex Hitchens. He’s sought out by the most hopeless of men, including Albert (Kevin James), who wants to date super-heiress Allegra Cole (Amber Valletta). It’s no matter that Allegra is way out of Albert’s league, Hitch reasons; the loveable oaf will be able to charm her by following the good doctor’s tried and true methods.

And since a Will Smith vehicle can’t ignore its leading man, Eva Mendes stands in as potential love interest Sara, a gossip columnist who feigns work commitments to avoid relationships.

Anybody with real life experience will tell you that fail-safe methods on one romantic interest invariably won’t work for another, but the only one who seems to be having problems appropriating Hitch’s methods is the doctor himself. Sara is stubborn, an idiosyncrasy that will lead to a “paint-by-numbers” finale including scenes that could have played out in any hack’s script still being shopped.

Even though I found several unconscionable flaws with the script, the movie kept grabbing me with its underdog characters. I rooted for Albert to land Allegra because his intentions were honorable and because soliciting the date seemed like his one opportunity to show his true potential. It’s the same reason I root every time for Lloyd Dobbler to ask out Diane Court in “Say Anything”; as the keymaster himself would say, “I’m just looking for a ‘dare to be great’ situation.”

I also root for Hitch, because he tries too hard to be romantic and can laugh at himself when the results are disastrous. The pair - Albert and Alex - are an unlikely alliance, but an admirable support system for each other.

Since the movie was landing good joke after good joke, it demonstrated a potential that doesn’t really pay off by the credits. And that was more frustrating than if the first half of the film had considerably lowered expectations and walked its audience toward the canned finale.

I think “Hitch” producers recognized the inherent flaws in the story and used the Valentine’s Day holiday to sell this film to audiences thirsty for cheap, romantic entertainment. I don’t think this film would have sat as well with audiences last October, its first scheduled release month. Audiences, I’d suggest, are more forgiving of these plots in February because we are brainwashed all month with beliefs that aren’t necessarily true. There’s no shame in being alone on Valentine’s Day and no, it’s not always a reflection of your self-worth. We’re not all destined to find true love. And beauty on the outside, no matter what a screenwriter tells you, does not necessarily mean there’s beauty on the inside.

I don’t fault the movie for choosing its marketing strategy wisely, but I’d kindly suggest that this movie won’t be as charming without some holiday help. The doctor is in, so it’s best to see him now.