Questioning the modus operandi of the Olsens

New York Minute (2004)
Warner Bros. presents a Dennie Gordon film, starring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Written by Emily Fox, Adam Cooper, Bill Collage. 90 minutes. Rated PG for mild sensuality and thematic elements.

1.5 stars

“In a New York minute, everything can change.”

As of this writing, it is 32 days until the national news media and the entire populace of oversexed twenty- and thirty-year-old men come together to celebrate two very big birthdays.

The Olsen girls turn 18 years old, and the question on everyone’s mind inevitably won’t be: Bush or Kerry?

The sisters have done a commendable job of being ubiquitous without facing the media backlash that plagued Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in recent months. The duo has raked in billions by attaching their names to everything - from clothes to dolls to hair-care products.

“New York Minute” is another attempt to expand the empire and a maneuver that seems deliberately timed with their impending celebration. Long lingering in the lukewarm television shows that invariably used the Olsen charm as the shows’ sole selling point, the Olsens have now, in effect, graduated to the big screen.

The dirty little secret of the Olsen empire is that the sisters aren’t actors who captivate audiences. While this sort of form can be acceptable for direct-to-video fare that is released straight to the tween and pre-teen consumer, it won’t work on the big screen.

It also doesn’t help that their script is dead-on-arrival. “New York Minute” plays out like a watered down version of probable Olsen inspiration, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Ashley plays straitlaced Jane, who has set a new standard for anal retentive. Mary-Kate is Roxy, free-spirited and Ferris-like in her distaste for all things scholarly.

Roxy is chased by Nassau County’s “number one” truant officer, Max Lomax (Eugene Levy), who has made a career out of collaring school scofflaws. A series of mishaps find the pair together and on the run from Lomax in New York City. Their ultimate destination is Columbia University, where Jane will deliver an economic address in a competition for the prestigious McGill fellowship.

In one afternoon, the girls both find dreamy boyfriends (Jared Padalecki of TV’s “Gilmore Girls” and Riley Smith of “24”), hang out at the video shoot for emo-rock band Simple Plan, get extreme makeovers at the West Side’s “House of Bling,” stop evil Asian pirates (including an insufferable Andy Richter) from bootlegging advance copies of CDs and movies and bond closer than Linda and Paul McCartney.

Even after a couple spoofs of both John Moo and “The Matrix” and cameos by pals Bob Saget, Jack Osbourne and Darrell Hammond, “New York Minute” plays as a humorless 90-minute affair, which still remarkably appeals to the pre-teen crowd sitting adjacent to me.

“In a New York minute, things can get pretty strange.”

While teenage girls have considerable buying power, the Olsens did not amass their billion dollar fortunes by catering just to a highly transient market. Perhaps the most controversial element of “New York Minute” is the girls’ efforts to peddle sensuality under the guise of PG-friendly fare.

Many men are using their June 13 birthday to ease their collective consciences about lusting after girls who haven’t reached consensual age in a few states. With the bevy of “countdown” sites propagating the Internet, it’s almost a certainty that the Olsens are not only aware of their older male admirers - they’re banking on it. For every schlep that prominently displays a piece of Olsen merchandise (myself included), the pair sees a potential cash cow.

The two have updated their appearances and become “modelized” forms of their former selves, creating a mass hysteria that has titillated audiences wondering, When will they go “bad”?

If anything, “New York Minute” suggests that the Olsens won’t be banking on their “good girls” images forever. Ashley is the movie’s biggest offender, laughing off the tried-and-true “whoops, my skirt ripped off” - which in a lesser movie would be preceding by a catchy bass line and some soft lighting. But Mary-Kate is a willing participant, as well - the girls emerge from an emergency shower in a slow-mo more commonly implemented in a Playboy special.

Jared Padalecki, as Trey, acts as the common man. Upon seeing two half-naked twins in his bedroom, he wonders aloud, “Is it my birthday?” The pair has long consciously toyed with men’s’ fantasy of “doubling” their pleasure - an effort that has been embraced, not scorned, by the general populace.

Since the girls have broken into Trey’s room for showers, they flee the scene still adorned in, respectively, a bathrobe and a small towel. Top it all it off with some unnecessary extended shots of Ashley lathering until a long pet snake interrupts her showering (Freud, are you listening?) and you can’t help but wonder if the Olsens are going to take more than a gentle ribbing over these shenanigans.

This fall, the Olsen girls start their first semester at New York University. Although I’d question their choosing a school in the heart of a non-stop media frenzy, I do have some advice for the pair.

Take the four years to concentrate on your studies and weather the oncoming media backlash caused by your inevitable overexposure because of this hum-drum movie. Then, emerge and follow different directions. Drop the sister/twin act. It’s a surefire money-maker, but if you’re serious about your craft, you won’t use the same old as a gimmick. It’s a crutch; when you’re 28, no one is going to want to do another twin movie with you.

And finally, resist all temptations to dress and act like whores in the future, despite what Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera have done before you. Teen girls will always need positive role models and I’m hoping you two will try and buck conventions.

And lastly, stop subjecting us to these terrible movies.