Bowdlerizing ‘The Iliad’ with epic expectations

Troy (2004)
Warner Bros. presents a Wolfang Petersen film, starring Brad Pitt and Peter O’Toole. Adapted for the screen by David Benioff, from a poem by Homer. 165m. Rated R for graphic violence, sexuality and nudity.

3 stars

It’s a sad commentary on a solid film when it’s effectiveness relies on how accurately patrons remember the original source material.

Major studio screenwriters always pare down the grand print of a classic novel to its most sellable elements, and the big-budget “Troy” was no exception. Since patrons are familiar with the ground rules, the movie works as another sweeping epic in the spirit of “Gladiator.”

The story of “Troy” was taken from the epic poetry of the Greek bard Homer, who was credited with both “The Iliad” and “The Aeneid.” In the former, the poet recounts the drawn out war between the Achaeans - the largest tribe of Greeks who were led by the great warrior Agamemnon (in the film, Brian Cox) - and the Trojans.

Like few screenwriters asked to condense 10 literary years into approximately three cinematic hours, David Benioff did an admirable job of making the film fan-friendly. However, those passionate about Greek history - or of Homer’s much celebrated poetry - will gasp at the creative licenses he undertook.

In both versions, the primary catalyst was Achilles (Brad Pitt), a warrior who clearly understands his importance to each side. In “Troy,” Achilles acted as a haughty independent contractor who can be bribed into fighting if the promise of glory was sufficient. He stymied Agamemnon, who coveted Troy because of its access to the Aegean sea.

Agamemnon’s power-hungry motives have sealed an alliance between himself and his brother, Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson). The Spartan king enlisted his brother’s help after Paris (Orlando Bloom) eloped with the king’s wife, Helen (Diane Kruger). After Paris’s brother Hector (Eric Bana) refused to return Helen to her home, war was declared between Sparta and Troy with Achilles acting as occasional participant.

While the participating gods were mentioned occasionally by name in “Troy,” the movie took great pains to eliminate their formal participation. In doing so, Benioff eliminated one of the major contenders in the entire Greek conflict. The screenwriter adopted a more modern perspective instead, highlighting those who worship gods like Apollo to be more antiquated than their younger counterparts.

However, the deletion of significant input from the celestial caretakers posed an interesting dilemma for these newly fashioned Trojan fighters: Will they begin to look out for the real people - those clearly manifested in the physical realm - or will they continue to spare constituents in an effort to appease the gods?

In condensing the storyline, Benioff exaggerated the elements of love and power contained within the original poem. The most fascinating element of the newly constructed fighting was that no major character has the same reasons for their participation. Achilles was motivated by glory, even if his legacy “walks hand in hand with (his) doom.”

For Agamemnon, his power will be unencumbered once Troy falls. Paris was blinded by his attraction to Helen, but was considerably more timid when swords are drawn. Hector was the brains and the brawn who acknowledged the precarious position of Troy.

When Hector slays Menelaus at the behest of Paris - an occurrence not contained in the original source - the entire focus of the war has changed. Agamemnon’s greed was exposed after his brother falls; after all, he publicly vowed the support of his massive army to win back Helen, but privately, he coveted the land.

“The Iliad” concluded without a proper Hollywood-friendly ending, so Benioff tacked on the stories most culturally-adept individuals are familiar with: the legend of the Trojan horse and the imminent death of Achilles.

To some, Achilles’ death may be a welcome relief; perhaps the film’s greatest sin was the casting of Pitt as the god-esque warrior. While Pitt has showed his range in several movies before “Troy” (“12 Monkeys” and “Se7en” immediately come to mind), he was not rugged enough to play a time-tested warrior, no matter how impenetrable.

Pitt also lacked the natural rhythm of the ancient word, despite Benioff’s conscious decision not to emulate the patterns of the Ionic dialect of Ancient Greek. While seasoned actors Peter O’Toole (as Priam, King of Troy) and Brian Cox treated the material with an aire of respect, Pitt and Bloom acted as the most outlandish offenders of antiquity.

The scene-stealer in the movie was relative newcomer Eric Bana, who turned in a relatively non-descript performance in his first major Hollywood turn as “The Hulk.” Bana accorded the material its proper due and had the physical attributes that credit Hector as a character.

Much like “The Passion of the Christ,” another ambitious film that looked to consolidate a grand historic event into a few hours, I shudder at the thought of schoolchildren shirking their reading of Homer for this version. “Troy” was entertainment and - at moments - decidedly enthralling. But it should not serve as our last attempt at giving this timeless story its proper due. Much meat has been left on the bone by this film, even though we’ve managed a hearty meal.

Questioning the modus operandi of the Olsens

New York Minute (2004)
Warner Bros. presents a Dennie Gordon film, starring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Written by Emily Fox, Adam Cooper, Bill Collage. 90 minutes. Rated PG for mild sensuality and thematic elements.

1.5 stars

“In a New York minute, everything can change.”

As of this writing, it is 32 days until the national news media and the entire populace of oversexed twenty- and thirty-year-old men come together to celebrate two very big birthdays.

The Olsen girls turn 18 years old, and the question on everyone’s mind inevitably won’t be: Bush or Kerry?

The sisters have done a commendable job of being ubiquitous without facing the media backlash that plagued Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in recent months. The duo has raked in billions by attaching their names to everything - from clothes to dolls to hair-care products.

“New York Minute” is another attempt to expand the empire and a maneuver that seems deliberately timed with their impending celebration. Long lingering in the lukewarm television shows that invariably used the Olsen charm as the shows’ sole selling point, the Olsens have now, in effect, graduated to the big screen.

The dirty little secret of the Olsen empire is that the sisters aren’t actors who captivate audiences. While this sort of form can be acceptable for direct-to-video fare that is released straight to the tween and pre-teen consumer, it won’t work on the big screen.

It also doesn’t help that their script is dead-on-arrival. “New York Minute” plays out like a watered down version of probable Olsen inspiration, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Ashley plays straitlaced Jane, who has set a new standard for anal retentive. Mary-Kate is Roxy, free-spirited and Ferris-like in her distaste for all things scholarly.

Roxy is chased by Nassau County’s “number one” truant officer, Max Lomax (Eugene Levy), who has made a career out of collaring school scofflaws. A series of mishaps find the pair together and on the run from Lomax in New York City. Their ultimate destination is Columbia University, where Jane will deliver an economic address in a competition for the prestigious McGill fellowship.

In one afternoon, the girls both find dreamy boyfriends (Jared Padalecki of TV’s “Gilmore Girls” and Riley Smith of “24”), hang out at the video shoot for emo-rock band Simple Plan, get extreme makeovers at the West Side’s “House of Bling,” stop evil Asian pirates (including an insufferable Andy Richter) from bootlegging advance copies of CDs and movies and bond closer than Linda and Paul McCartney.

Even after a couple spoofs of both John Moo and “The Matrix” and cameos by pals Bob Saget, Jack Osbourne and Darrell Hammond, “New York Minute” plays as a humorless 90-minute affair, which still remarkably appeals to the pre-teen crowd sitting adjacent to me.

“In a New York minute, things can get pretty strange.”

While teenage girls have considerable buying power, the Olsens did not amass their billion dollar fortunes by catering just to a highly transient market. Perhaps the most controversial element of “New York Minute” is the girls’ efforts to peddle sensuality under the guise of PG-friendly fare.

Many men are using their June 13 birthday to ease their collective consciences about lusting after girls who haven’t reached consensual age in a few states. With the bevy of “countdown” sites propagating the Internet, it’s almost a certainty that the Olsens are not only aware of their older male admirers - they’re banking on it. For every schlep that prominently displays a piece of Olsen merchandise (myself included), the pair sees a potential cash cow.

The two have updated their appearances and become “modelized” forms of their former selves, creating a mass hysteria that has titillated audiences wondering, When will they go “bad”?

If anything, “New York Minute” suggests that the Olsens won’t be banking on their “good girls” images forever. Ashley is the movie’s biggest offender, laughing off the tried-and-true “whoops, my skirt ripped off” - which in a lesser movie would be preceding by a catchy bass line and some soft lighting. But Mary-Kate is a willing participant, as well - the girls emerge from an emergency shower in a slow-mo more commonly implemented in a Playboy special.

Jared Padalecki, as Trey, acts as the common man. Upon seeing two half-naked twins in his bedroom, he wonders aloud, “Is it my birthday?” The pair has long consciously toyed with men’s’ fantasy of “doubling” their pleasure - an effort that has been embraced, not scorned, by the general populace.

Since the girls have broken into Trey’s room for showers, they flee the scene still adorned in, respectively, a bathrobe and a small towel. Top it all it off with some unnecessary extended shots of Ashley lathering until a long pet snake interrupts her showering (Freud, are you listening?) and you can’t help but wonder if the Olsens are going to take more than a gentle ribbing over these shenanigans.

This fall, the Olsen girls start their first semester at New York University. Although I’d question their choosing a school in the heart of a non-stop media frenzy, I do have some advice for the pair.

Take the four years to concentrate on your studies and weather the oncoming media backlash caused by your inevitable overexposure because of this hum-drum movie. Then, emerge and follow different directions. Drop the sister/twin act. It’s a surefire money-maker, but if you’re serious about your craft, you won’t use the same old as a gimmick. It’s a crutch; when you’re 28, no one is going to want to do another twin movie with you.

And finally, resist all temptations to dress and act like whores in the future, despite what Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera have done before you. Teen girls will always need positive role models and I’m hoping you two will try and buck conventions.

And lastly, stop subjecting us to these terrible movies.